[N0tt0N]

A Police Officer radioed back to the station, "I have a situation here on this domestic violence call. The lady shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped."

Supervisor, "Well, have you arrested the lady?"

Police Officer, "Not yet. The floor is still wet."

[BlackTalon]

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?



















One hundred people who don't do dick.

[BlackTalon]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she faithfully stayed by his bedside day & night.

One day, in a moment of lucidity he gazed up at her and said, "You have always been at my side when things were at their worst."

"When I got fired, you were there."

"When my business failed, and we lost the house, you were there."

"When I got shot, you were there."

“When my health started failing, you were there."

"And you know what?,” he asked.

"What honey?" she replied lovingly, slipping her hand into his and giving it a squeeze.

He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck!!!"

[Nerfbar]

Father O’Malley and Father John had a long tradition of breakfasting on Tuesday mornings. One Tuesday Father O’Malley noticed that Father John was not riding his bicycle as normal. When he inquired, Father John said he didn’t know where it was and perhaps it had been stolen. Later the conversation turned to next Sunday’s sermons and Father John said he planned a sermon on the ten commandments.

On the next Tuesday morning, Father John was back to riding his bicycle again. When Father O’Malley asked how he had regained possession of his bike, Father John reminded him that he preached a sermon on the ten commandments. “When I got to the part about not coveting your neighbor’s wife, I remembered where I had left it.”

[Nerfbar]

My greatest fear is when I die my wife will sell the Porsches for what I told her I paid for them.

[HoodPin]

A business executive discovers his secretary is willing to go away with him for a romantic weekend. He calls his wife and tells her that some of his buddies have put together a last minute fishing trip, and would she pack some clothes for him. He said he'd stop by the house on the way to pick up his suitcase, as well as his fishing rod and tackle box. And he asked her to please make sure to pack his silk pajamas, too.

When he returned, his wife asked him if he had a good time. He said yes, and that they caught a bunch of fish. But, he told her that she had forgotten to pack his silk pajamas. She told him that she hadn't forgotten.......she had packed them into his tackle box.

[SRG]

How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant.

[BlackTalon]

Stolen from another forum, but has BMW content:

One day in class, the teacher calls on Little Johnny, and asks him to tell the class a story with a moral in it.

So Johnny says, “One day at the farm, a chicken and horse were playing together. The horse falls into quicksand, and he implores the chicken to go get the farmer. He can’t find him anywhere, so he jumps into his BMW, backs it up near the horse, throws a rope around the horse, and pulls him out.

The next day, they are playing together again, but this time the chicken falls into the quicksand. The chicken says, “Quick, go get the car and pull me out.”

The horse looks into the distance, and sees that the farmer has taken the car. So he straddles over the hole, the chicken grabs his penis, and the horse pulls him out.”

The teacher is confused. “Okay, Johnny, but what’s the moral of the story?” she says.

Johnny replies: “If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks…”

[zygomatic]

What's the difference between a casual dinner party and pirate sex?

One is "come as you are"

The other "arrr as you ..."