[targa911man]

This board is getting way too serious!!! Time for a humor break. (Well, I hope it's funny.) The names have not been changed in order to embarrass the innocent.

As many of you know, in addition to being a lawyer, I have served for several years as a Special Justice, the judge who rules on petitions to commit people for mental health treatment. This experience has provided me with unique expertise in the identification and diagnosis of diseases of the mind. By coincidence, the content on this board has been a treasure trove of eccentricities, compulsions, neuroses, and psychopathology from which, unfortunately, I have been able to distill and differentiate several serious and untreatable mental disorders. Luckily, by recognizing the symptoms of these diseases in others, you may be able to, in a sense, psychologically innocuate yourself from the disease. But you must be vigilant! Even though I published a thorough analysis of the symptomatology of LeSchanderitis, many did not take sufficient notice and have succumbed to the illness. Remember, do not ostracize those suffering from Porsche diseases--they need our compassion and understanding. Here then are the latest diagnoses:

Karchovosis--This illness is characterized by overtones of masochism and, ironically, narcissism. The narcissism is reflected in the suffer's grandiose gluttony for Porsches. However, subconsciously he knows he can never own all Porsches--he is aware of the reality of the financial impossiblity of such a goal. He then punishes himself for his inadequacy (not being able to own all Porsches at once) by trying to own them one-by-one. This becomes an extremely masochisitic process, as he becomes emotionally attached to each car before he must sell it to satisfy his need, thereby causing himself great pain. The process is endlessly cyclical. The sufferer is wracked by regret after each sale, and therefore immediately begins to shop for a car of the same model to replace the one he just sold, beginning the cycle anew.

Riley Savantism--This is similar to Karchovosis with regards to cyclical ownership, but without the narcissistic and masochistic elements. The Riley Savant has an uncanny ability to locate, some would say even attract, free cars. He appears to have an almost hypnotic ability to convince the donor/victim that he (the Savant) is doing the donor a favor by taking the vehicle off his hands. As with all forms of Savantism, however, the Riley Savant's gifts are offset by deficits in other cognitive areas. The most pronounced deficit is the Riley Savant's complete inablity to see the true condition of the "car" being donated to him. In fact, "vehicle" and "car" must be understood to be euphemisms in the context of this syndrome. Sadly, in his deluded state, where the rational observer sees a rusting pile of junk, the Riley Savant sees only the potential winner of a gleaming concours trophy.

Partial Pariennsis--This relatively benign delusional state seems to occur primarily in younger Porsche owners. Its identifying characteristic is the belief that one is driving faster than one actually is. I believe that this is a reactive psychosis which the subconscious asserts as a means of self-preservation, in that it keeps the sufferer from getting in over his head at the track. Although benign, it is very persistent--no amount of evidence to the contrary will convince the sufferer that he is driving slowly. In extreme cases, the subject believes he is going faster than cars that are passing him. The condition usually improves proportionately with improvement in the subject's driving ability.

Neanderthal-Targaman Syndrome--Of genetic origin, this organic syndrome prevents the brain of the sufferer from developing the technical knowledge necessary for the proper maintenance and repair of a Porsche 911. He often must resort to brute strength to compensate for his lack of mindpower. This tendency tragically tends to result in geometric increases in the number of maintenance and repair tasks to be performed: 1 task becomes 2, 2 become 4, ad infinitum. In spite of this, the Neanderthal-Targaman always seems to others to have too much time on his hands. As with Partial Pariennsis, however, there is a benign aspect to this disease--the subject is blissfully unaware of his lack of knowledge. Also similarly to Pariennsis, the condition persists in the face of reality. For example, the Neanderthal-Targaman cannot rationally connect his use of a hammer to loosen an air-mixture adjustment screw with the resulting need for a new mixture control unit--he believes the unit must have been defective. Unfortunately, the condition, being organic, appears to be permanent. Attempts to improve the subject's knowledge of technical matters are met with either glazed eyes, ignorant sarcasm, or both.

[APKhaos]

ROTFL, and I certainly needed that!

WHile this may be the best dose of sanity seen on the board for a while, it certainly provides a valuable counterpoint to the navel-gazing introspection of some recent threads.

I suspect that there are more virulent afflictions in our midst, and look forward to seeing the good judge's taxonomy extended accordingly.

[Trak Ratt]

At last someone uses my name and savant in a sentence without idiot in the middle

It's nice to have one's affliction identified… can a cure be far off

[little b]

very nice!
i didn't realize we could clasify different Pcar disorders!
RileySivantism must be listed in DSM-IV, between Rett's disorder, and rumination disorder....
I hope to get further clarification on my own sometime. besides LURKER.
TO know one's self, is to come closer to understanding....
(insert here some fair budha smiley face.)

[Eli]

Good stuff Dan. I almost fell off my chair reading the post!
The healing process has been slow and steady, I'm down to just 4 p-cars :P.

[targa911man]

Originally Posted by Siberian

Good stuff Dan. I almost fell off my chair reading the post!
The healing process has been slow and steady, I'm down to just 4 p-cars :P.

"just 4"? Eli, minimizing your symptoms will interfere with your progress.

[vove]

LMAO..thats too funny Dan but so true.

[87turbolook911]

Great post Dan!

[Rick Lee]

God, I admire you.

[Lucky]

Classic, Dan!

My eyes are still leaking from laughing over Partial Pariennsis... you nailed that one to the T!