[Vicegrip]

Whatever you do do NOT do this! Sezeriously just don't do it.
Get yourself some...
black powder -gun shop.
3/32 fuse -hobby shop or internets
standard printer/typing paper -pilfer it from work
packing tape. strapping tape works real well -see above or break down and see below.
2 part 5 min epoxy is all you need. -hardware store

Roll 6 sheets of paper so you end up with an 8 inch long tube with about a 3/8 hole in the middle. 3/8 or slightly smaller to start.
Wrap a band of tape around the middle and 2 more each an inch in from each end.
Drill a fuse hole right in the middle and stuff in the fuse far enough so you can see it inside the tube. Hole should be sized so the fuse goes in snug.
Mix up a little 5 min epoxy. Fold in a layer of paper in the end of the tube so you make a pocket about 1 inch deep and dribble in the epoxy untill the pocket is 3/4 full. Fold in some more layers of the paper letting the epoxy flow between the layers of paper. More layers folded in the better.
Wait 5 min flip the tube over and fill with black powder up to the fuse only. No more is needed. Some air space is needed. Repeat the fold in and epoxy thing on the other end.

This will make a report that is FAR louder than an M-80. Do not try this at home.

Or get some dry ice at Harris Teeter. Put some hot water into a plastic coke bottle. 20 oz are loud, 2L are down right impressive simply ajust the amount of dry ice to suit the container. (coke or diet coke type only, water bottle caps are too flimsy) Quickly drop in 2 or 3 chunks of dry ice and put the cap on tight. Wait for the booom! No smoke, no cops, males from 8 to 80 will laugh and high 5 and females of all ages will shake their heads.

BTW Don't do this at Disney World....