Suppose for $hits and giggles that I wanted to learn how to weld.
 

How would I go about doing this? Is it something I can teach myself or do I have to go to school for it?

I would spend a little time with a dorki who can weld. BTW are you talking about MIG, TIG, gas, arc.....??

Your local public library will have books on this subject.

Take a class at a local community college.

Or the internet

I have no freaking idea. If I hadn't visited Stephen D. last weekend I wouldn't know the difference between TIG and MIG. I know there are over a hundred types of welding, and I'm not looking to be an expert. I just want to know how to join metal bits together and repair stuff. I consider it an area where I get really scared when I think about working on cars and I don't like that. The only way I know to address it is to learn it.

I can learn to weld at my community college? Cool....(seriously?)

X2

Doors, fences, railings, all of these things at a typical school are made of metal. Make sure you're out of sight of any surveillance cameras. Also, wear comfortable shoes in case you need to flee on foot.

Will the school provide the equipment?